How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours – Wayne Dyer

Relationships are everywhere. Work, home, pets, friends, family… Everywhere you look, turn, and run there are relationships there to support you or there are relationships there to dethrone you.

Something that has been difficult for me to understand and grasp fully, is that you can never control the other person. You may not understand or know how the other person is feeling. You can’t always understand why the person does what they do. You can’t dictate how they react. Most importantly You Cannot Change The Past.

Find joy in everything you choose to do. Every job, relationship, home.. it’s your responsibility to love it, or change it

-Chuck Palahniuk

I was in an extremely toxic relationship for roughly five years. It was on and off, if you can relate. It was not physically abusive, though mentally and verbally it fit the bill.

It broke me.

I kept going back and kept thinking there was something wrong with me. I felt that this person, just like I was doing for them, had my best interest at heart.

I would only feel secure when he showed me affection. When it was absent I would spiral into deep dark depression thinking “What am I doing wrong to not receive his love?” Yet, as I look back his love was only empty promises, empty lines, empty “I love you’s”, “I will never leave you”, “You are everything to me”

Then, after the second time I caught him speaking to one of his exes, I realized how I was walking on eggshells. How I was living a fraction of my life. Most of it in fear. The other half in false hope. Every time we would break up, or I felt the strength to walk away, I would come back because I wanted to feel that love, appreciation, affection. Only to feel like I had made the worst decision and wondering if he was messaging anyone else.

Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go – Hermann Hesse

I remember the times we would separate or argue. I wasn’t able to eat, sleep, I felt scared, and I felt alone. I know I had so many people in my “corner” telling me how this was better for me and he had done me a favor. All I could think of was how desperate I felt to get him back or figure out why I wasn’t good enough for him.

 I was scared to be alone. I was scared of only having myself. I didn’t have many close friends any more due to isolating myself throughout the relationship. Also, loosing many disapproving friends. Though, through these times I would start to work on myself. Lean on books by Louise Hay, Gabby Bernstein and Wayne Dyer. Started exercising, eating well and feeling much happier. Which is usually when the timing came for him to come right back into my world.

Finally the end…

It was December 2015, he was distant, abrasive, and short with me. He stayed out with “friends” and slept on the couch. The inevitable happened. He broke it off with me. I remember that Thursday night. Crying and begging him to work on things and that I was sorry for whatever I may have done. That Friday morning driving his kids to school saying goodbye for good, my things in tow.

Not realizing that this definitely a God send.
I  slowly started to improve yet again.  Even though I was feeling better about myself, I still had a long way to go. Which then I noticed I was trying to use other relationships as a safety net. My heart has been broken many times. My mind is still broken. Which tends to spiral me into the black abyss.  All of these distractions that add to the depression that overlays my external persona.
I still battle with anxiety and depression and it can create tension in all relationships that I have. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of responding incorrectly. Fear of hurting someone. Fear of acting like I am better than someone else.

There’s an important difference between giving up and letting go – Jessica Hatchigan

These thoughts are on a negative reel that plays in my head daily. It affects me the most when I am romantically with someone. I lash out when I feel down on myself. I break out in tears when I feel overwhelmed. I am accusatory. I have nights I want to curl under the covers and ignore everyone and maybe sleep for two days straight. Then be upset that I wasted valuable time. I hate myself because I can see my anxiety causing issues yet I can’t control it as easily as I would like.

So this is where I am – trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense. Working with a therapist and trying to use other outlets, such as blogging, to help release these negative thoughts and hopefully reaching someone else. Maybe shedding some light to others that are close to me. Which when reading this they will go “That is why you are doing that” It is me trying to be strong and transparent, loving and compassionate, supportive and brave for all those other struggling with similar situations.